Forgiven
by Reilly Black
Summary: The Salvatores try everything to convince Elena to feel again, but nothing seems to work. My version of 4x21, without the torture. Short piece. DxE.
1. Chapter 1

When Elena returned to consciousness, she was in hell. Her head ached and every limb was agony to move. She'd never been shot full of vervain before, but she figured out quickly that this was what it felt like.

She groaned, a hand to her forehead as she sat up. A cell? Where was she? _Is this the inside of the Salvatore's dungeon?_

_Oh right. I tried to kill Bonnie. _

"Rise and shine, sunshine."

Damon was just out of reach on the other side of the door. He smirked at her as she registered the situation completely.

"Ok Damon, you got me to feel. I'm annoyed. Will you let me out now?" Elena scowled.

"Naw." Stefan was there too. Elena let a sigh of frustration go. "Maybe when we're sure you won't kill all your friends on a whim."

Elena stood up and walked over so she was facing the door. She wanted to tear it from its hinges and snap both their necks. More than that, though, she was hungry and they'd laid a blood bag on the floor for her.

She swept it up and bit off the neck of the pack.

"So what's the plan? Tell me stories about _us_ until I feel again? Because I can tell you right now that that's not going to work." She laughed, putting as much sarcasm as she could into her words.

"Well I'm sure we'll figure something out." Damon wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Until then, you, missy, are on a time out."

"You're just going to leave me in here?" Elena growled.

Stefan turned to leave.

"Yup."

"Best behavior." Damon told her.

Elena was silent.

* * *

"So, what is our plan?" Damon asked.

"I think we should just keep her down there until she's bored and frustrated enough to listen to whatever we say. Then we hit her with everything- Jeremy, Alaric, Jenna, everything she mentioned to us right before she switched off her emotions. All the things that used to matter the most."

"Seems kind of brutal."

"She just tried to kill Bonnie. If we don't do whatever we can, she's going to do something she won't forgive herself for. I'm ready to be brutal at this point." Stefan said, his mouth set in a grim line.

"Alright. I guess it's worth a shot."

* * *

"Elena?"

Elena had heard them coming. There was nothing else to do in this horrible cell other than listen very hard. Bonnie and Stefan.

"You tried to kill me." Elena said, matter-of-factly. Her instincts screamed "threat" when she saw Bonnie.

"Yeah, well so did you." Bonnie frowned. She was nervous, clutching her school bag too tightly.

"You're just an obstacle now. I need you out of my way."

"Elena, how can you talk to me that way? We were best friends. Don't you remember? Don't you remember all the times we ate lunch together, talked together, laughed together? Cried together? We've known each other our entire lives. You're like my sister. Please, come back to me."

"Sorry Bonnie, but that Elena is gone. " Elena was bored now. She pushed down the flash of images that Bonnie's words brought to her mind, distant memories of a distant time, one where Jeremy was alive. If they came too close to the surface- but they wouldn't. She wouldn't let them. She was never going to feel that kind of pain again. She was going to live this way, pleasantly numb, for the rest of her long life.

"Elena, please." Bonnie whispered. Tears were forming in her eyes. Stefan looked from Bonnie to her in that way she was accustomed to now- poorly masked judging eyes, a set frown.

"Look, just get out of here. I don't want to look at your face anymore." Elena stated in a monotone.

Bonnie silently wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to leave. Stefan cast her one more look that let her know he was still judging her and followed Bonnie out.

* * *

"You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, huh?" Damon smirked at her, waving another blood bag through the bars before tossing it through. He kept a safe distance. Damon was smart, he knew she would try to grab him through the bars if she could. She hated that about him sometimes.

"Why don't you just leave me alone to rot in here. I kind of like it: quiet, peaceful, no one harping on me. Well, most of the time."

Elena sped over to the blood bag and started to sip on it.

Damon watched her. The sight of blood on her mouth brought to mind the first time he taught her to feed. She had been deliriously happy then, throwing herself into his arms. He remembered how she smelled, the feel of her lithe and slender body in his arms. And of course, her beautiful laugh in his ear.

"Stop."

"What?"

"Stop watching me. It's creepy." Elena wiped the blood from her mouth. She looked away from him quickly. A beat. Then she met his eyes, and her mouth had curled into a cruel little smile. "You know, when you think about it, our entire relationship was pretty creepy. I was completely smitten by the sire bond when we had sex. Some might say that you took advantage of me." Her bright eyes watched him for signs of pain or discomfort at her words.

Damon tilted his head to the side, refusing to let her see the twinge of pain her words incited in him as she reduced their night together to _that_. He crossed his arms and leaned against the stone wall, putting up a smirk to match her sadistic expression.

"You know I never would have slept with you if I'd been aware of that. You'll understand once you get your empathy back."

"But you did. And I had no control over myself, I was supernaturally inclined to do anything to make you happy. When I get my emotions back, do you really think I'll feel the way you do- that it was a magical, special night... or will I look at it as a mistake? A violation?"

"I know what you're doing. It's not going to work." Damon said quietly.

"What? Telling the truth for once?" Elena stretched, nonchalant. "God! It feels so good, not worrying about what other people think all the time, how they feel. I can just tell the truth and not care about the results. And the truth, Damon, is that whatever you thought we had was a lie. You should just give up on the old Elena because even _she_ didn't love you. I know that now, now that the sire bond is broken. Without the influence of the sire bond-" She approached the small window in the door and curled her fingers around the bars. Her predatory eyes glinted at him in the darkness "I never would have given you the time of day. I would still be falling asleep next to Stefan every night, the only man who has ever owned my heart." She whispered, her eyes boring into him.

He couldn't fake that her words didn't hurt. Of course that's how he felt, and of course she was using it against him. Yes, it was probably true, but that wasn't important right now. This wasn't about him. This wasn't about their relationship. This was about saving her from the self-destructive whirlwind of impulsivity and instinct she had become.

"Funny, you don't seem to care what he thinks now either."

"I don't care what anyone thinks, Damon. That's the whole deal here: I. Don't. Care."

"Sure, sure. I get that. Loud and clear." Damon pushed off of the wall. He couldn't handle much more of this without revealing how much it hurt him. Before he left, though, he needed test out his theory.

He looked fearlessly into her eyes again. She was uncomfortable when he stared at her before, when he was imagining what it was like to hug her. This Elena was cruel when she was in danger of feeling something. He knew that trick all too well. Maybe it wasn't about what he said, then, but about showing her how much he cared about her. That had always been what their relationship revolved around anyway- the unsaid.

He searched her face, remembering the sensations when he kissed her. The heaven that was her lips. His hands on her waist, running along her curves. The strength she transferred to him when he saw her reassuring smile, her warmth too much to contain.

Sure enough, the sadistic glow in her eyes faded at his gaze and she turned to avoid it. She walked away from the bars, gracefully reclined on the bed, and lay with her back to him.

"I'm done talking to you, Damon. Leave."

Damon smirked. He knew he'd won this round, and he suspected that she did too. He'd seen the flicker of recognition and fear in her eyes, fear of feeling.

* * *

"A week. She's stubborn, I'll give her that."

"I don't think stubbornness is the main problem. We just suck at this." Damon shrugged. Stefan poured himself tea and sat down next to him on the couch. Damon nursed his glass of bourbon.

"Well what else can we try? Matt and Caroline both gave it their best shot, even Sherriff Forbes talked to her. I've mentioned Jeremy, Alaric and Jenna at least twice now and she just brushes it off."

"Well, for us, it wasn't what she said to us as much as it was a series of events that forced us to reconcile what was important to us. With her stuck in a cell, it's a little hard to encounter life-changing situations."

"We take her out of the cell and she'll attack Bonnie again."

"So what, we're out of ideas?"

"I don't know Damon." Stefan sighed, his hand to his head. "I just don't know what to do."

Damon stared at the bourbon in his hands. Nothing worked on her. Nothing.

* * *

It happened faster than she could see- Damon slipped inside and shut the door behind him. Elena shot up, but it was done. The door was shut, and now she was stuck with Damon.

"Hey. We've got a situation." Damon whispered, touching his finger to his lips to indicate quiet voices were necessary.

"What do you mean?" Elena lowered her voice.

"Werewolf invasion. I hid the keys outside. We're probably safe in here."

Elena gulped. _Fear. That's something._

"You aren't going to try to kick them out?"

"I'm done tackling werewolves, thanks, I've been down that road before." Damon drawled sarcastically. "Besides, why would I want to kick them out when I can spend such pleasant quality time with you?"

"What do they want?" Elena rolled her eyes.

"No idea. I hear the cure was stolen right from under Klaus's nose. He probably sent them to search the house and make sure we had nothing to do with it."

"So now we're just stuck in here together?" Elena's eyebrows shot up. Damon didn't blink.

"Sorry I'm such a pain to be around." Damon tilted his head at her, his tone indicating it was clearly the reverse situation. Elena walked back to her bed and fell into it.

"Well, welcome to the land of boring." Elena picked up one of the novels they'd tossed inside for her and thumbed to where she left off. "You could've at least slipped in some magazines from this century." She mumbled, indicating the 18th century novel in her hands.

Damon picked up a book from the stack and began reading as well. The silence settled around them until Elena suddenly dropped her book to her chest and peered at him in suspicion.

"Where's Stefan?"

"Off somewhere. I texted him to stay away until they left."

"I can't hear them moving upstairs anymore. I think they left."

"It seems that way."

"So… go away."

"I didn't bring the key in here just so you could lift it off me and escape. It's right outside the door, hidden behind one of the wall stones. We'll have to wait for Stefan to come back."

Elena narrowed her eyes at him before returning to her book. She was suspicious of course, but they had both heard the quiet feet padding around above them. She likely suspected it was a hoax.

"Since we're here, and you're 100% sire bond free and don't mind giving me a straight answer…" Damon felt his heart speed up. He'd come to the realization that they might never get Elena back, and he needed to ask what remained of her the question that had been burning in him ever since they found out about the sire bond.

"Yes?" Elena set her book down on her chest, her emotionless eyes trained on him.

"Well, you said you didn't love me, you love Stefan." Damon couldn't help a hard swallow as he lost himself in her beautiful, vacant brown eyes. "But that night we spent together… It was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Did it mean anything to the Elena underneath the sire bond? Or was it really something she'd rather forget? Because I'll never forget it. For me, it was everything I've ever let myself hope life would be." Damon hated saying these things out loud, but he had to know. He was completely exposed to her, completely vulnerable. Last time he'd put himself in this position… Katherine ripped his heart out and tossed it on the floor in front of him.

Elena was quiet as she considered him.

"It meant something." Elena said quietly. "But not enough."

"Not enough?" Damon's heart was in his throat.

"It's not enough, Damon, to make me turn my emotions back on. So stop trying and leave me be." He saw a dangerous fire spark in her before she lifted her book in front of her face.

"I'm asking for myself, Elena. I'm asking because you won't hold anything back right now and I think you'll tell it to me straight, not because I'm trying to manipulate you into feeling something."

Elena sighed and sat up, annoyance flickering across her face. She glared at him.

"What if I told you that I needed you?" Damon said, staring determinedly at the floor. "Just looking at you, Elena, helped me get through every day. Just being able to see you smile and laugh. I don't need to be your boyfriend. I don't even need you to like me. But I need you to know that you are the reason that, for the first time in a very long time, I get up every day and think it's worth it. This world, this life, is dark without you in it."

"Stop." Elena's eyes were hard and dangerous. "Just stop. It's pathetic."

Damon took a shaky breath.

"If you're so determined to stay this way, at least let me say goodbye to the woman I loved." Elena's jaw trembled and her eyes narrowed with fury, but she didn't make a move toward him. Damon could barely say the words. He forced himself to choke them out, a tear slipping through his defenses. For the first time since he'd seen her like this, he gave in to the despairing fear that she might never return to him. Why would she? They had nothing worth offering that was even remotely tempting to her. Every reason she had to experience life was stolen from her.

"I miss you, Elena. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss you in my arms. I need you back, or I don't think I can keep my own emotions on for very long. And I don't want to go back to feeling nothing, not after what you made me feel."

"Stop it, Damon, I'm warning you." Elena was trembling with fury now, and there was something crazy in her eyes.

"You used to be a person who would do anything to help someone you love. Even if you don't love me like you love Stefan, do this for me. Come back for me. I rely on you more than you know...and I'm lost, again, without you." Another tear fell, against his will, down his cheek.

Elena shot from her place on the bed the moment the last word fell from his lips, her hands crushing his throat as she slammed him into the wall. Damon choked as his windpipe collapsed, but he didn't fight her. He was older and stronger, and he could take her if he wanted, but he didn't want to. He couldn't think of a reason to fight back. He needed to feel _something_ from her.

"Stop it!" She screamed, her eyes bloody and her fangs bared as she lifted and slammed him against the wall again. She snapped the ancient wooden torch holder from the wall next to his head and pressed the splintered tip to his chest, just over his heart.

She was going to kill him, and he was going to let her. It was only fitting. She had brought him back to life, and now that life was in her hands.

Damon choked on his words, flecks of blood splattering her face. Elena's wild eyes darted to his mouth, reading what she couldn't hear. Damon tried again, forming the words with his lips, the sick gurgling of blood pooling in the back of his throat the only sound he could make.

"No. No stop, stop, I don't want this. Stop." Elena howled. Her gaze never left his mouth, though, and he knew she had read his lips this time.

_I love you_.

If she was going to kill him, he needed her to know one last time.

Damon closed his eyes and waited for the wood to pierce his chest. He waited for the darkness, the silence, the peace. The knowledge that he would no longer have to watch this shell of a woman, understanding all that she once was and could have been, destroy everything she cared about.

He waited. He waited for the searing pressure on his throat to dim, for the final stabbing pain in his chest to come and go. He waited.

Elena's warm body collapsed against him, shaking with sobs. Her hands slid from his throat to grasp at his shoulders, all of her weight falling on him. Damon gasped for air as his throat mended slowly, sliding to the ground with his arms around her quivering body, the strength momentarily gone from him.

"Stop it…. Stop it…." Elena moaned over and over, her face buried in his chest. Damon's heart broke with her as he soothed her, caressing her hair and kissing the top of her trembling head.

"I'm so sorry." She gasped, sobs wrecking her voice. "Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! It hurts, Damon! It hurts!"

Damon held her tightly to him, whispering in her ear.

"I know, I know. You're forgiven."

* * *

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	2. Chapter 2

Damon held Elena as she cried, not entirely sure what to do. He was a man of action, but all he could do was wait for her cries to die down and tell her it wouldn't always feel this way- he was here for her, Stefan was here for her, all her friends were there for her.

His awakening to emotions had been a gradual process, and it had sucked enough as such, but Elena was, for the most part, waking up all at once. It wasn't what he intended, and it certainly wasn't what he had hoped would happen. She had shown some signs of emotion over the last week. He suspected that everything they had been doing may not have worked visibly, but he was almost sure she would have killed him if they hadn't worn her down first.

After a while, her sobs transitioned into hiccups and tears. She mumbled, "I'm sorry, Damon. I'm so sorry." in between shuddering gasps. Damon kissed her forehead and stroked her hair.

Eventually Stefan's face appeared between the bars in the window of the door. His expression mixed surprise, agony, jealousy and relief into one grimace. The door clicked open and Elena jumped at the sound.

"Elena?" He approached her as he would a potentially dangerous animal.  
Elena sniffed and slowly ran her sleeve under her nose. She lifted herself from Damon's embrace to turn and address him. He held out his arms to her and she fell into them, her cries starting up again.

"It's ok, it's ok." Stefan rubbed her back.

"Stefan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." She mumbled into his shirt.

"It's ok. It's not like you haven't seen us in our darkest moments. Just let us help. Let us do everything we can to get you through this."

"Ok. Ok." Elena gulped down air, trying to calm herself down. Damon had to look away from the sight of them together. He said that he didn't need to be her boyfriend, implying that he would still be there for her if she went back to him. He said it, but he didn't know if he could watch the two of them together again, not after knowing what it was like to be with her. It would never be the same.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Stefan said gently, lifting her up with him. Damon couldn't bring himself to follow until Elena turned to wait for him. Her face was smudged with shadows, and her bright red eyes were almost as vacant as they had been when she pressed that stake to his heart. The vacancy came from a different place this time, a place of sadness so intense that she was too exhausted to feel anything else.

It was only when he rose to his feet too that Elena continued walking from her cell.

* * *

"What happened?" Stefan rounded on him as Elena retreated into the bathroom to shower off a week in the dungeon. Tension marked his every movement.

Damon couldn't look his brother in the eyes.

"We've been going about this all wrong, making it about her and how she feels. Elena doesn't do things for herself. And besides, there was really nothing left that she wanted, nothing she thought was worth facing the pain anyway." Damon chose his words carefully. "So I just made it about how much we needed her, how vitally important she was to _our_ happiness. That's her weakness, other people's happiness. You should understand, the two of you are a pair of pain-in-my-ass martyrs."

Stefan's mouth fell open a bit and his stare burned into Damon for a long moment.

"You told her how much you needed her and… she turned it back on?" He'd seen through Damon's careful use of _our_ and _we._

Damon knew from his brother's tone that he understood the significance of this. Damon could barely believe it himself. He hadn't dared to hope that he might be the reason for Elena's return to humanity. In the back of his mind he had resigned himself to the idea that it would always be Stefan who affected her most strongly. Nobody was more surprised than he was.

"I'm the selfish brother, remember?" Damon turned from Stefan, unable to watch the hurricane of emotion raging through his face. "Of course I made it about myself."

* * *

Elena was sure she was dreaming, a horrible, terrifying dream. Her brother was dead. Her house was gone. Alaric, Jenna… her parents, all gone. She'd tried to kill both her best friends. She'd hurt Caroline's mom, beat Caroline up and said such nasty things to her- she dropped her on her head at the cheerleading match. She'd hurt Stefan and Damon. Oh god, Damon.

_You mean nothing to me, Damon. _

_I told you I loved you because I was sired to you, and now that I'm not I know that none of it was real._

_I never would have given you the time of day. _

_Some might say you took advantage of me… A mistake. A violation._

_Just stop. It's pathetic._

Elena held a hand to her head, tears springing to her eyes. She was a terrible person. How could she look at any of them the same after the things that she'd done? How could they ever forgive her? She wanted to switch it all off again just at the thought, but she knew if she did then she would just hurt more people. _Kill_ more people.

_I killed another person. _Elena drew a ragged breath into her tightening lungs, the guilt and pain almost too much to bear. _I killed another person. She had a family. A life. People who loved her._

_And I killed her. _

"Elena?"

Damon knocked on the wood frame of the open door, his eyebrows drawn in alarm. Elena took another shaky breath as she looked up at him, blinking tears from her eyes.

"Damon."

Damon hurried over and sat next to her on his bed. He took her hand in his and pulled her into his arms. His warmth surrounded her and she felt some of the pain seep away, as though he was absorbing it and purifying her.

"I'm so sorry…" She mumbled. "I didn't mean it, any of it. I love you, Damon. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, Elena. Believe me, I understand. You don't need to apologize for anything." Damon lifted her from him so he could look in her eyes, a smirk gracing his face. "Remember who you're talking to? I've done every bad thing in the book a thousand times over, and you forgave me somehow. What you did… it's a drop in the bucket compared to what I've done."

"How do you stand it?" Elena gasped, the pain in her chest choking her. "How do you live with yourself?" She whimpered.

"By making a lot of bad decisions and screwing up even more." Damon chuckled as he stroked her cheek, smearing her tears away. "And with a lot of help from you and Stefan." He said, more serious this time.

Elena nodded, but whatever he said couldn't take away the pain. It was excruciating, and the strength of it exhausted her. She wanted to sleep to escape it, but she was afraid it would manifest in nightmares filled with the sound of necks snapping and the smell of a rotten body with her brother's face. It was hard to believe that life could be anything but a putrid hole ever again.

"Hey. You'll survive this." She couldn't stop the tears. "I'm right here. I'm not going to leave your side until you order me away." There it was again- that look. That awe-filled, loving look that she didn't deserve. That damn look that first stirred her dead heart to these excruciating emotions.

* * *

Stefan was drinking Damon's bourbon when he came down the stairs. He swallowed a glass full in one swig. He turned at the sound of Damon's slowing footsteps. Stefan could barely look at him.

"You realize that she's still sired?"

"Yes."

"So I suppose she would prefer your help over mine?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask her yourself?" Damon growled, irritated at the question. _Well, we're back to sire bond-this and sire bond-that._

"I already know what she'll say." Stefan shook his head, casting a glare at Damon while he poured himself another glass.

* * *

Wherever Elena went, Damon seemed to have a reason for being. He cleaned his room quietly while she took a nap and sorted out papers while she sat in the living room and stared at the fire for hours. She couldn't bring herself to go back to school, not yet. She barely had the energy to eat. Stefan tried to take her mind off of it, suggesting fun activities for them to do. Caroline joined him, and Elena had the feeling that she created a school dance from thin air just so she would have something to invite her to. She had to decline, even after all of Caroline's urging. Dancing was the last thing she felt like doing. Bonnie and Matt kept bringing her homework, hoping to keep her from getting too far behind in school.

On one of the rare occasions where Elena found her self alone, she slipped out of the boardinghouse and went to visit the site of her old house. The city had yet to clean it up so it was still a taped-off pile of ashes and rubble in the middle of an otherwise beautiful neighborhood. She waded through the blackened wreckage of her house, looking for something, anything that wasn't completely destroyed.

Here: the couch. She sunk to the ground to pick up a ruined shoe, Jeremy's shoe that he was wearing when he died. His bones were gone, but whoever took them left this shoe behind. Bonnie had gone with her to visit his grave once, but it wasn't the same. She didn't feel anything when she stood in front of that grey slab with his name on it. This was real. This was his.

Elena cradled the shoe to her chest, all the pain of his death rushing up on her. She was crippled by sadness, her sobs so intense that they rolled through her soundlessly as tears wet her cheeks. She didn't know how long she knelt there in the ashes. At some point, a hand rested on her shoulder, gently urging her into a comforting chest.

Damon didn't say anything as she cried herself into exhaustion. She was so glad he found her- she felt unbearably alone. The last of her family was ashes. As it had before, his presence lifted some of the pressure from her chest.

Wordlessly, she stood up, still holding the shoe. She slipped her hand into Damon's and they started walking back to the boardinghouse together.

* * *

"I still can't believe I did all those things. I felt like a machine- I just made a rational choice for what was best for me in the moment. The only thing I felt was desire for what I wanted at that second, and then nothingness." Elena finally spoke after the long silence. They were halfway back. They could speed it, but Damon knew that she needed the walk.

"You were acting on pure instinct. You didn't care about the people around you because you weren't invested in the future. While switching it off allows you to avoid the pain and the loneliness, you also can't feel the happiness and love that other people used to bring you and they lose all meaning."

"I guess that makes sense."

"It should. I've had a lot of time and experience to figure it out." Damon smirked.

"They look at me differently now." Elena admitted softly. "I don't think they'll ever look at me quite the same. I tried to kill them."

"They understand, Elena. Your friends may annoy the hell out of me most of the time, but if there's one thing they're good for it's forgiveness. This is a supernatural town. They've all made supernatural mistakes at least as bad. They know you weren't _you_. I think that concern, at least, is mostly in your head."

"Maybe." Elena mumbled. "Maybe I just wish they would judge me. I deserve punishment for what I've done."

"Maybe. But that's not your choice. If they are willing to forgive you, let them. Life sucks enough as it is. Take what you can get." Damon pulled her closer and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He rubbed her upper arm reassuringly.

Elena was quiet for a while. When she spoke again her voice was a little less gloomy, a little louder than the whisper she had been using.

"I think I did get something out of it, though." Her voice carried a lilt of uncertainty in it.

"What's that?"

"I just… I think I understand you better now." She looked at something far away, something only she could see. "I could never really understand why you would do the things that you do. Stefan tries so hard to feel, to hold onto his humanity, and I judged you for not doing that. I didn't understand how you could fight so hard to keep it turned off when you were hurting people, killing people. I couldn't imagine myself ever doing that, under any circumstance. But without my humanity… it was so easy to kill. So, so easy. Humans were just dispensable prey. And I liked it that way. I fought to keep it turned off. If I had my humanity off for long enough, killed enough people… murder could become as habitual as breathing. Even if my humanity came back, I think it would be difficult if not impossible to feel bad about it the way I used to. That's what it's like for you now… isn't it?"

Damon couldn't help but stare at her, mesmerized by her words. Damon realized that she was actually asking him when her doe eyes met his. She had described it so perfectly that he didn't have anything to add.

He didn't like to remember back when he cared a great deal about murder, but he'd been revisiting that past a lot lately to try to understand Elena's current frame of mind. At first he never killed, but it was very easy for accidents to happen- after all, he didn't have a Lexi around to keep him from going too far. He started to rationalize it so it didn't destroy him every time he slipped up and drained someone dry: there's so many of them, they breed so quickly, everyone dies eventually so it's just a matter of when. He separated them into another species, a species of prey. He didn't realize how much he'd internalized that distinction, not until her.

At first it was just her appearance that roused his humanity out of him. Her appearance stirred up old feelings for Katherine, human feelings that he'd pushed down so he wouldn't drown in the loneliness without her. The more he watched her, the more human he became. Eventually it was impossible to look at her as Katherine- she was kinder, gentler, forgiving, always honest and sincere. He loved her for who she was then, and his feelings for Katherine faded into a memory. He remembered what friendship was first, then love.

Even now, though, except for a handful of people, human life meant very little for him- he always had that carefully crafted philosophy that he lived by for over a hundred years to fall back on if someone needed to be killed.

"I didn't have any reason to switch it back on for… a long time. As you know, I try not to kill on a whim anymore. Having human friends helps. But you're right; I'll never feel as badly as I did the first few times I killed. After all the people I've murdered… it'll always come easy to me."

"I understand that now. I never could have before." Elena said. Damon still couldn't take his eyes off of her. Even under all of her own unbearable sadness, she had enough heart left to feel his pain, to think about him.

She caught his gaze then, swallowing hard. She stopped walking, causing him to turn and face her, linked by their hands. A brief moment of hesitation passed before she went up on her tiptoes and kissed him. It was slow and heavy, comforting rather than sexual. He tasted salt on her lips.

_This is real. _There were some moments when he could see the sire bond at work, and some that were more ambiguous. Usually he gave in to the nagging doubt that every movement she made, every declaration of affection for him, was a result of the sire bond. The prospect of getting his hopes up to the contrary just to have them shattered was just too painful. But this conversation, the look on her face… Damon knew this moment, at least, was real.

* * *

**Thank you for all the reviews! This was originally just an OS, but I got a few requests to extend it (which completely made my day by the way) so I think I have enough in my brain to do one or two more chapters. Writing this has been really tough, but therapeutic for me. I recently lost someone I love, and I resonate with Elena on so many levels that putting her grief into words helps me work through my own too. That's one of the reasons why I love TVD, it's not afraid to adress issues like death and grief (sometimes it's a little too unafraid, but that's a different topic). I've loved writing this and I'm happy to continue it. **

** Again, thank you so much for reading and reviewing! **


	3. Chapter 3

**It's a long, action-packed chapter today. Don't forget to review :)!**

* * *

Somehow, Elena managed to drag herself to school again. Bonnie and Matt had succeeded somewhat in keeping her up to date, and she had found enough energy to do homework so she wasn't too far behind. She was one of the brightest students in school, so she caught up quickly.

Graduation was just around the corner when Bonnie began acting strange.

Elena grew worried and asked her about it at lunch one day.

"I woke up on fire again last night." Bonnie admitted. Elena's eyebrows shot up.

"Again?"

"Yeah…. Strange things have been happening around me and to me ever since I started using expression, and it's only grown worse. My magic is just out of control, and without Shane here, scoundrel that he was, I'm really worried." Bonnie picked at her food, dismayed.

"We don't need that weasel." Caroline tried to sound bright and cheerful. "Let's hit the books tonight! Girl night! We'll study for finals and do some supernatural research on the side, topics including but not limited to 'how to not wake up on fire'."

Bonnie glanced at her.

"Sorry Care, but I think one of my last chances to get rid of expression was that witches circle."

Caroline's face fell.

"You mean the one I accidentally massacred?"

"They were going to kill me." Bonnie said, grabbing her hand across the table. "I shouldn't have even brought it up. It wasn't even a real chance."

"So what are you saying?" Elena gaped at her.

"I just don't know what to do, Elena. And if I don't do something soon, I don't think it's going to end well for anyone, especially me."

Elena blinked at her, tears springing to her eyes.

"No. NO. No more death." Elena slammed her hands down on the table. It shook with force, inciting curious and startled looks from students at other tables. "I'm not going to let this happen." Elena stood up and started walking. Caroline and Bonnie quickly caught up to her.

"Elena, where are you going?" Caroline's voice was low and worried. They had walked on eggshells around her since she came back to school, and she had a feeling they thought she was finally having a breakdown. She didn't care.

"I'm going to the only creature that can help us now and I'm going to do whatever it takes to save Bonnie."

"Elena." Bonnie grabbed her arm and pulled her to a stop. "Slow down, what are you talking about?"

"It's time Silas and I had a talk." Elena growled

"That is not a good idea." Caroline grabbed her other arm, as though the two of them could somehow restrain her. "He got inside of Klaus's head and tortured him for hours. Klaus, the 1000 year old original vampire! He's way too dangerous, Elena."

"I don't care, Caroline. I don't care! I'm not watching any more people I love die." Elena tugged her arms from them both and kept going. "Besides, I'm not going to attack him. I'm going to talk to him."

"Yeah, but there's no guaranteeing what _he'll_ do. He could kill you in a second." Caroline jogged to keep up with her determined pace.

"That's a chance I'm willing to take."

* * *

"Silas!" Elena screamed. This was the cave Bonnie had unwittingly told her about earlier. " I know you're here! I'm not leaving until you talk to me! Silas!"

"No need to shout." Elena's voice caught in her throat. _Oh god, no. _She could only stare, wide-eyed and gaping, at the half-lit figure. Her heart was breaking all over again.

"You're not Jeremy."

"Hey, Elena." Jeremy's smile. Jeremy's eyes. Jeremy's messy hair and over-muscled hunter arms.

"Don't." Elena choked on the word.

"Would you prefer this form?" Jeremy was Jenna when he stepped from the shadows. "We were always close, Elena. You can talk to me about anything."

Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. They looked so perfect, so real. So alive.

"Please don't." Elena whispered, her voice cracking.

"Very well. I'll try another."

Damon stood before her.

"Now… why all the screaming?"

Elena steadied herself with calming breaths.

"Bonnie. You know that her magic is out of control."

"Yes, that is the nature of expression. Limitless power has a steep price." Damon tilted his head to the side as his eyes skimmed up her body.

"You know what will happen to her if she doesn't get help."

"She'll be consumed by her own magic."

"I'm willing to do whatever you want to stop that from happening."

Damon surveyed her for a moment.

"You know what I want." He said, his voice low and dangerous. Elena saw the Damon she had first met for a moment; angry, dangerous, lonely, and desperate to feel anything else.

"You want to open the gate to the other side." Elena swallowed hard.

"That's the price. If you can convince her to do the spell, I will purify her of expression and save her life."

Elena only hesitated for a second.

"Fine."

* * *

"Elena if you give him that, he will take the cure and kill himself." Damon threw his hands up like he couldn't believe she wasn't taking this into account.

"I know that."

"Then you'll be sired to Damon forever." Stefan was physically pained by his words.

Elena met Damon's eyes. _Fear. _He shook his head almost imperceptibly, begging her not to make this decision.

"I know. But I can't let Bonnie die." Elena sighed.

Stefan looked like he wanted to hurl something. Damon was on the same precipice and about to fall off.

"What's your big plan to convince her of this?" Damon asked through gritted teeth and a dark glare.

"I'm going to tell her that we did some digging, talked to some witches that want to remain nameless for safety's sake, and we found a way to reverse the spell once she's performed it. That way she'll do it so Silas will cure her, but she won't feel guilty for unleashing-" Elena stopped. She knew that she was sacrificing hundreds, maybe thousands of people she'd never met to whatever came out of this gateway realm, but she couldn't lose another person. She pushed the thought from her mind. If she took a second to consider the consequences, she would drive herself insane. All she knew was that she had to keep Bonnie alive. That was her single, burning goal.

This world was horrible world. Horrible things happened. She was just trying to keep the people she loved alive so she had something, anything, to live for.

"I won't lose another person. I can't." Elena stood and left the room, unable to say anything else.

* * *

Bonnie agreed. She decided on Graduation night, when the moon was full so she could draw on its power. Silas smiled at her from the shadows when she told him. She said he frightened her more than she wanted to admit, that his face was so hideous she couldn't look at him straight.

"I'll just be so relieved when this is over."

* * *

They lined up outdoors, dressed in bright red graduation caps and gowns, waiting for their names to be called. It was less thrilling than Elena imagined, and the graduating senior class was sizable so the wait was long. When she heard her name called she walked to the somewhat surprising sound of her friends cheering. For a moment she let tears of happiness bud in her eyes as a deep appreciation for the wonderful people she had left filled her. She giggled at the distinct sound of Damon's whistling cat-call. Then she was on her way back to her seat, diploma in hand and a smile plastered on her face.

Speeches were made. Hats flew. Music filled the air.

Damon wiggled his eyebrows at her from the crowd. She grinned back, her heart surging at the sight of him. Stefan pulled up next to her as they all poured from their chairs to mingle with the crowd, hats and diplomas in hand.

"You made it. Congratulations."

"Sort of. I'm technically dead, but I'm here, so I guess that's what matters." Elena smiled. Stefan returned her smile, then looked down to fidget with his hat.

"I wish it didn't have to end up this way. I'm sorry."

Words failed her. It was a blanket apology, but it seemed more like a blanket regret.

Luckily, Caroline chose that moment to hook an arm around both of their necks and demand a photo-op, courtesy of Bonnie. Matt joined them as well.

Damon wandered over to their little group, arms crossed as he watched them switch positions and pose, holding the camera for them once. The gentle look in his eyes and Caroline and Bonnie' upbeat attitude warmed her. She sidled up to him and linked her arm in his as she declared,

"I want a picture with just me and my boyfriend." Damon's expression lit up at the word.

She wrapped her arms around his waist like they were dancing, turning her head to face the camera. The wonder was back in Damon's eyes, and she felt a twinge of guilt thinking for the millionth time in the last couple of weeks how much she didn't deserve it. Almost hesitant, Damon's arms encircled her waist too, resting on her lower back. A genuine smile crept over his face, one she had only seen a handful of times. She rested her forehead against his jaw.

"Say cheese!"

* * *

They all gathered in the woods that night at the center of the three massacres. Bonnie drew a pentagram with salt. The candles around the edge of it lit up like flamethrowers when she closed her eyes. Everyone, including Bonnie, jumped at the magnitude of the flame. She shook her head, worried.

"I don't know if I can do this, Elena."

"Bonnie, you have to. Just one more spell and then you'll be free of expression forever."

"Where's Silas anyway? Isn't this his party?" Damon said in a low growl.

"He's here." Bonnie whispered. "He's here."

They all glanced around, but saw nothing.

Bonnie closed her eyes. Expression seemed less about chanting and herbs and more about primitive, internal power. She stayed silent, but they could all feel the energy gathering.

A cold wind picked up. The candle flames lept higher. Thunder cracked. Lighting began to dart around Bonnie's pentagram, surprising everyone and inciting a few screams. The force of the wind grew and grew until they were all huddling together, trying not to blow away and squinting their eyes to see past the violent gust. The lightning became so frequent it nearly formed a solid wall or light around Bonnie. Then Bonnie started to scream. Elena jumped and lurched towards the circle at the sound. The scream lasted for several seconds, seconds that Elena could barely stand.

A bright, blinding flash.

Everything stopped.

The vampires in the group braced themselves for an onslaught of supernatural creatures, but the woods were incredibly quiet. Elena ran to Bonnie's side as she slumped and fell to the ground.

"Bonnie! Bonnie!"

"She's fine." The harsh voice echoed through the woods. Silas stood before her, a terrifying creature. His skin was wrinkled and saggy. He looked like he had aged beyond a hundred years, yet still retained great power in his limbs. His eyes were reptilian and his teeth pointed into fangs. A heavy cloak obscured most of his body.

"I have expelled the Expression from her system. Our agreement is fulfilled. Now take the witch and go, in a moment no supernatural being will be safe here." Silas whispered. Elena usually wasn't one to judge people by their looks, but she was happy to use any excuse to get away from this thing. Stefan sped over to help her grab Bonnie, Caroline grabbed Matt, and Damon-

Well, Damon was attacking Silas.

"DAMON, NO!" Elena screamed. Terror surged through her veins as she watched Damon struggle with Silas. He took the creature by surprise at first, but then Silas began to fight back and one was clearly stronger.

"Take Bonnie and GO!" Elena demanded of Stefan. Stefan looked torn, but he had always respected her wishes and listened to her, even in the most dangerous situations, for better or for worse. He picked Bonnie up and sped away.

"Damon, stop! What are you doing?" Elena cried, throwing herself on him to try to tear him from Silas.

"That was incredibly stupid, boy." The creature said, a hiss in his deep voice. Silas surveyed him as it began to circle him. Damon moved to put more distance between the two of them.

"Sorry, you surprised me. You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that." Damon shrugged it off as though he'd simply said hello to the wrong person.

"You had a chance to get away." Silas growled. "But now the dead are coming, and they're coming for us."

"What do you mean?"

"Look around."

Figures were beginning to appear in the distance between the trees, many of them shrouded in mist. She recognized Lexi's blond hair in the distance. She was dressed the same way she had been when Damon killed her.

"Damon, we need to go."

"It's too late. They won't let you out now." Silas said. "They're coming for us." Elena's heartbeat sped up as she realized he was right. She looked in every direction, but they had them trapped and more were appearing every second, in hordes. "They're here to tear us apart." Silas whispered. "But I can't die, not yet." Silas reached into his robes. Shock and confusion ran through his face before he turned to Damon.

"You. You took it." He snarled.

"Let's go." Damon was backing up fast. Elena glanced between the two of them, suddenly realizing why Damon had gone temporarily insane.

"Oh god." Elena looked at Silas's face and knew he would kill Damon. But he suddenly he had bigger problems. A vampire sped from the growing crowd and threw himself on him, tearing at his neck. Silas shrieked in surprise, but easily threw him off. Elena took that moment to grab at Damon and tug him into vampire speed, hurtling straight into the crowd of undead in the distance.

The creatures caught them, jerking them from high-speed and throwing them to the ground. A vampire launched itself on Elena, trying to tear her arms off. Elena screamed and bit at the creature, tearing through its neck. The vampire was surprised enough that she reeled back, her grip loosening and allowing Elena to pull herself free. Another supernatural being was attacking Damon and had him pinned to the ground. With a yell, Elena slammed into it and knocked the creature off of him. Damon was bleeding from his shoulder, but he stood quickly, grabbed her, and pulled her back into vampire speed. Hands reached for them, powerful hands, but they managed to keep going without another interruption. Suddenly they broke through thickest part of the crowd and Elena felt like she could breathe. They didn't stop though, as more creatures were walking, running, and vamping towards the area they'd just left, and they tried to attack them if they got too close.

They finally slowed to normal speed when they were just outside the boardinghouse.

"Oh my god." Elena breathed hard, adrenaline still surging through her. "What was that?"

"My guess? Quetsiya's final fail-safe in case Silas ever convinced someone to drop the veil, to ensure Silas would at least suffer a horrible death: zombie-like mentality that will probably wear off when whoever's near that pentagram is in a million pieces."

"That was so scary."

"You ok?" Damon asked, his eyes skimming over her body. He pulled her closer so he could see her better.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Some vampire tried to tear my arms off, though." Elena shivered at the thought. Then, as she remembered how they'd gotten stuck in that mess in the first place, she shoved Damon as hard as she could. He stumbled back a few paces.

"What the hell were you thinking, you lunatic?! Silas could have killed you!" She yelled. She'd never been so angry with him.

Damon smiled.

"Yes, but look what I stole." He held up a small box with a smirk. Elena's breath caught in her throat. _The cure._

She closed the distance between them and took the box from his hand. Damon stood over her shoulder as they opened it together, revealing a tiny, ancient looking vial of red liquid.

"There you are!" Stefan had found them. "You're safe." He hurried over to both their sides, his eyes dropping to the open jewelry box between them. Shock ripped through him and he stopped mid-step.

"The cure. You got it."

"Of course I did. I'm awesome." Damon smirked.

Elena felt a pang.

"Stefan, you should take it."

Stefan blinked, his mouth falling open.

"What? No, we both wanted this for you, Elena."

"Jesus fucking Christ." Damon cursed, throwing up his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I can't handle you two. Elena, you're taking it."

Elena bristled.

"Damon, there's only one. How is it fair that I'm the one who automatically gets it? Caroline deserves to be considered for this too, if she wants it."

"Of course it isn't fair that there's only one, but there is, and you're going to take it!" Damon couldn't keep his voice calm.

"Elena, if you don't take this then we'll never know how much the sire bond affects you." Stefan said quietly. "And that's more important than anything else, to both of us."

Elena wanted to punch them both.

"I'm not doing this now. We'll take it to a vote. Caroline should be involved in this decision, and so should Bonnie; you did turn her mom into a vampire to save me once, maybe this is the way we repay that." Elena started to walk towards the boardinghouse.

"No. No way did I just risk both of our necks so the cure could be democratically elected to some random vampire. No. You're taking this, Elena. Now." Damon said, his tone final.

"Damon, I don't deserve this!" Elena yelled, turning on him. "I don't deserve to be saved all the time while other people suffer!" Tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn't take this cure, not after all the pain she'd caused her friends.

Damon stared at her, slack-jawed.

Then his arms were around her as he pressed the vial to her lips. She panicked as she realized what he was doing and twisted in his arms to escape.

"Damon, no!" Stefan cried.

Elena somehow managed to grab the vial from him and duck out of his arms.

She sped several feet away and turned to glare at him. Damon was beyond frustrated. He was furious now.

"This isn't a discussion." He growled.

"Well it is now because I've got the cure." Elena matched his low growl.

Damon sped at her, but she sped out of reach. He tried again and she evaded him once more.

"Both of you, enough!" Stefan shouted. Damon shot a glare at his brother, but they both halted for the time being. "Just do it her way, Damon. If it's a vote she wants then we'll both vote in her favor. I doubt Caroline wants the cure, and if she did she'd need three votes to our two. The same goes for Bonnie. Just do it so she won't feel guilty about this." Damon's jaw worked in frustration for several moments, his glare shifting between the two of them as he weighed his options.

"Fine!" Damon threw his hands up. He turned to his brother, stepping up so his nose was inches from his face. "But if you shotgun your vote, I _will_ stake you myself. You know she's not going to vote for herself."

"Deal." Stefan actually grinned at the threat.

* * *

Elena knew Damon would still try to steal it back from her, so she disappeared when neither of them was looking and hid the vial in the ashes of her old home. When she returned to the boardinghouse, everyone had gathered in the living room; Bonnie, Caroline, Matt and Stefan were all sitting on furniture around the fireplace. Elena breathed a sigh of relief, half expecting Stefan to call Rebekah, who definitely would have wreaked havoc on the whole process.

"Where's Damon?" Elena asked.

"Pouting in his room." Caroline rolled her eyes.

Elena sighed. She trudged up the stairs and walked into his room, not bothering to knock. Damon was changing the shirt the mob of the undead had mangled. Elena's eyes caught on his shoulder where he had been bitten, noticing how quickly he shrugged on his new shirt.

"Is that-"

"What?" Damon asked, feigning ignorance.

Elena grabbed the shirt and yanked it open before he had a chance to button it, revealing rivulets of silver moving under his skin. _A_ w_erewolf bite. _

Her eyes searched his before he could look away. He sighed and took her hands in his, gently tugging them from their death grip on his shirt.

Elena gaped at him.

"Klaus is still in New Orleans."

"I know."

"Well, we need to call him to get him over here. Or get you to him. Now."

"There's no guarantee of anything. Remember what happened last time?" Damon said gently.

"Caroline has him wrapped around her little finger, Damon. He'll cure you."

Damon shrugged.

"Let's just get this vote over with, ok? The sooner you're human the sooner I have energy to worry about this."

* * *

Caroline called Klaus. He laughed in her face. He had more important business to take care of than flying all the way back to cure Damon. Caroline screamed at him, called him names. Klaus hung up on her. Caroline, white as a sheet, shook her head at Elena.

"No. Call him again."

"He's an ass, Elena. I don't think he's going to help."

"Can't you offer him a date or something? That worked before, right?"

Elena paced in the empty room. She'd tugged Caroline from the group so she could keep this from Stefan, at least for the time being.

"I guess I could try that." Caroline said, swallowing her fury.

Caroline redialed.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but as tempting as your bribe is, I've got a bit of a situation down here and I really can't up and leave at the moment."

"Then Damon will die."

"Then Damon dies. What do you care? I thought you hated him anyway. I'd rather him out of my hair, personally. He has a habit of ruining my plans. In fact, I'm not sure I would cure him even if given the chance."

"Elena loves him and I love her. I won't forgive you if you let this happen."

"I'm sorry, Caroline. I can only hope you don't mean that."

* * *

Everyone voted for her. Even Bonnie. Damon insisted, with a smug look, that she take the cure in front of them right then and there.

"I'll take it tonight." Elena agreed.

"No…. now. We did the ridiculous vote. Now you hold up your end of the agreement." Damon tilted his head to the side, fury growing in him again.

"I will, Damon! It's agreed that I will. Just let me take it on my own terms."

"Why? What are you waiting for?" Damon asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"I agree, Elena. Take it now, before anything can go wrong." Stefan said.

Elena looked between the two of them, both so eager to find out the truth of her feelings that they were willing to give up their own chance at humanity in the blink of an eye.

"Alright."

Elena retrieved the vial and vamped back to the group. They all watched with growing anticipation as she uncapped the top and downed the liquid in one gulp.

She fell to the ground.

* * *

When Elena opened her eyes, she was lying in Damon's bed. Damon was resting beside her, his eyes closed in comfortable sleep, his hand twined in hers. She turned on her side, memorizing his face, his body. He looked like a dark angel. She touched his face, lightly so as not to wake him up, feeling his smooth skin. She was overcome with how much she loved and needed him.

A tremor raced through his body and a soft moan escaped his lips. Elena recoiled at the sight, her chest tightening in pain.

Elena reached into her pocket and withdrew a small bottle filled with red liquid. She had poured the cure into it and replaced the liquid in the vial with cranberry juice, faking her collapse.

She eyed it one last time before her decision cemented. For a moment she imagined what it would be like to be human again; to grow old and loathe the smell of blood, to have children and watch them grow up, to hear them call her mom. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she opened the bottle. She closed her eyes, steadying herself and her resolve. She let those images slip away, one by one, until her mind was completely blank except for one thought.

She had to move quickly if this was going to work. No regret, no hesitation. No thought as to whether or not he would forgive her, whether or not he wanted it. He would be alive, and that was what mattered. She had one chance at this, and she wasn't taking any chances on Damon's life.

In a blur of movement she pinned Damon's arms to the bed with her knees. Just as his eyes opened in confusion and surprise, she forced his mouth open and poured the contents of the bottle down his throat.


	4. Chapter 4

Damon sputtered and choked and tried to buck her off of him, but Elena held him down until she was sure he'd swallowed all of it. When she let him up, Damon scrambled back and grabbed her tightly by the forearms, too tightly.

"What did you do?" He asked, his eyes wild. "Elena, what did you do?" He threw her from him and stumbled backwards off the bed. He checked himself in the mirror.

"You're human now." Elena whispered. Damon turned from his reflection, his eyes unreadable. She braced herself for his reaction.

"We hadn't even talked to Klaus." Damon's tone didn't yet carry anger, just confusion. He was still in shock.

"I did. He wasn't going to cure you, and I wasn't going to let you die." Elena said quietly.

Damon looked at his hands as though he expected them to be claws. He felt his heart, and she saw him try to transform his face into a vampire's feeding face. Nothing.

"Elena." He turned back to her. "You could have had this. You could have been human."

"Without you." The thought twisted her stomach. Damon stared at her for a long time, his face void of emotion at first. The intensity of his eyes grew, however, until he said,

"Leave."

"Damon, please-"

"Leave. Now."  
Elena wanted to protest, but she had violated his trust and forced the cure down his throat. _Maybe I should just go and give him the space he wants_.

"Just let me try to explain." She pleaded one last time.

"I want you to go."

Damon didn't look angry, but the intensity with which he regarded her was unsettling, confusing. If he wasn't angry, why did he want her to leave? Elena stood up nonetheless and reluctantly walked from the room, casting one last glance at him before exiting. He was still watching her with that same intensity, but some of it had crumbled, leaving hopelessness and despair in its wake.

Elena trudged through the halls, unsure of where to go at first. She had been sleeping in Damon's room. Everywhere she would go, Damon was there, helping her breathe and learn to live again. He had been her rock, her support throughout this entire ordeal.

Now she had ruined their relationship and betrayed him. She had taken away his choice for her own selfishness, because she couldn't lose him.

He had never once asked her to leave his side before.

For what felt like the millionth time in too short a time, tears welled up in her eyes and a sob choked her.

What if he never forgave her?

When she looked up, she realized that Stefan was standing in the middle of the hallway, watching her. No, watching was too weak a term- _fixated. _His eyes raked over her, taking in her tears, and a wild joy sprang up in him. She realized what it must look like to him: she was walking from Damon's room, crying as though she'd just broken his heart.

He strode towards her, about to lift her into a big romantic kiss, forgive her indiscretions and sweep them under the sire bond rug, but she stopped him with both her hands on his outstretched arms.

"Stefan." She said simply. She didn't want to say this. She didn't want to hurt another person she cared about. She might lose him, too, forever from her selfish decision to give Damon the cure. She knew how much he wanted to be human… and she had a feeling Damon wouldn't stay human long.

"You're not human." Panic swept through him as he felt her cool skin. He searched her eyes. "What happened? It didn't work? That was the cure that Silas was going to use, it has to work!"

"I didn't take it." She admitted, her tears renewing. "I tricked you."

Stefan watched her face contort in sadness, putting the pieces together.

"No." He said faintly, the level of misery in his tone causing her to wince. "No, tell me you didn't." He broke out into a run that quickly accelerated into vampire speed, heading in the direction of Damon's room.

Elena let him go.

She wandered down the stairs, aimless. She had to leave, had to get out of this house.

She had to find her brother. She had to find Alaric.

* * *

Bonnie let her inside, but her movements were rigid and tense. Elena noticed that much of that hidden anger was directed towards her. Elena sat at her kitchen table. She was exhausted, but not from anything physical. Her heart hurt. Her bones hurt. She had no energy, no will, except to see her brother and Alaric.

Bonnie crossed her arms and remained standing.

"You lied to me about a closing spell, Elena. I didn't expect that from you."

"I know." Elena winced.

Bonnie glared at her for a moment longer. Elena took it in, feeling ashamed for all the damage she'd caused.

"We voted to give _you_ that cure. Not Damon." She said finally.

"He was going to die, Bonnie." Elena said, her exhaustion leaking out in her voice.

"He didn't deserve it, Elena. He didn't even want it! It could have gone to my mom, or Caroline, or Stefan for that matter! Has the sire bond completely destroyed your judgment? What happened to it being a group decision?"

"You voted it to me. I used it the way I needed to use it."

"You're saying you… _needed_ to keep Damon alive?" Bonnie almost looked disgusted. This probably didn't help her case for discrediting the sire bond.

"If I lost him Bonnie…" Elena shook her head, unable to finish that sentence. _If _she lost him? It wasn't a question of 'if' anymore.

But he was alive. She took solace in that thought.

"Please, you can be angry with me as much as you'd like, but for now let's just find Jeremy and Alaric."

Bonnie sighed and sank down into a chair next to her on the table. "I'm back to square zero with my magic. I can't do a locator spell."  
"How are we going to find them then?" Elena moaned.

"You said you saw mostly vampires around the area of the spell? When they came to attack you and Silas?" Bonnie's forehead wrinkled in thought. Elena nodded. "Vampires, and werewolves on a full moon like tonight, can move very fast. It took them a minute or two to get there, so I think it's safe to say that they didn't originate at the point of the spell, they were just drawn there. I think we should check where they died first. If we don't find them there, they probably tried to go somewhere familiar, like your house."

"Alaric died an hour from here, and Jeremy died in Nova Scotia!" Elena was starting to panic. It had only been an hour, maybe two, since they performed the spell, but it was dark out and they might not be safe. Now she had to wait for a flight out to that godforsaken island?"

"Let's try the house first, since that's closer. If they did originate nearer to the spell, then that saves us a flight... but I doubt it, since Mystic Falls isn't currently overrun with over a thousand years worth of dead supernatural creatures."

"Alright." Elena was thinking of Jeremy, dazed and disoriented, on that horrible island. "Ok. I'll call the airlines."

"Elena." Bonnie stopped her, her voice soft. "You have to be prepared for what Alaric might come back as." Bonnie said, her eyes not looking at her. "He may come back as the crazy Alaric, and we may need to-"

"Alright." Elena cut her off abruptly. She couldn't even think about losing someone else. Not today.

* * *

"I can't believe she did this." Stefan was staring at Damon as though he was looking at his worst nightmare.

Damon looked down at his weak human body.

"Yeah, well, she did." He scowled.

"You realize why, right?" Stefan slammed Damon into the wall, grabbing his collar and hoisting him from the ground. Rage gave him strength. Damon was almost too shocked to react. Almost. He tried to shove him off of him, but found he was actually _weaker than Stefan_.

_Oh, hell no. _

Stefan growled and red lit up his eyes.

"She did it because I got bit by a werewolf and Klaus wasn't in the mood to cure me." Damon rolled his eyes, irritated that he could no longer beat his brother up. Stefan let him go slowly, backing up off of him as shock registered in his face. Damon straightened his shirt with a haughty shrug.

The red in Stefan's eyes retracted and a blank look settled over his features. He was obviously left out of the loop in the pre-cure problem solving. Elena probably knew that he would predict her next move if Klaus refused to help, and might try to intervene.

"Let me guess, you were going to revisit the 'sire bond' mantra?" Damon moved to put on his jacket. He had to admit, he was wondering himself if that might have been part of it. It was so difficult to tell what was real and what wasn't from her. Everything that they'd been through since she became a vampire… he'd thought that they were growing closer. He could see this move from the vampire Elena he had come to know, but the human Elena, the one who chose Stefan, might have been more rational about it.

"I didn't know. But I'm sure we could have pushed Klaus to help if she had just shared that knowledge with everyone." Stefan was pissed. He crossed his arms, lost in his brooding.

"Yeah, well, I guess she isn't thinking that clearly. Her brother just died, I don't think she wanted to take a chance on losing another person."

Stefan nodded, but Damon got the feeling this was the first time he was looking at it that way.

"And the sire bond?" Stefan asked, hesitant, like his entire world depended on the answer.

Damon swallowed hard. He thought back to their last encounter.

"_Leave."_

"_Damon, please-"_

"_Leave. Now."_

"_Just let me try to explain." _

"_I want you to go."_

She left. She wanted to stay, but she left because he told her to.

Damon shook his head. Stefan's mouth fell open. He sank down onto Damon's bed, his face in his hands.

"No." He moaned softly.

Damon looked his brother over, feeling at once angry with him and sorry for him. Not in the least as sorry as he felt for himself; now he really would have to order her away, just as he had done to Charlotte. Every time he thought about it, it made him want to take off his daylight ring and stand in a nice patch of sunlight.

"Where are you going?" Stefan looked up as Damon walked towards the door.

"I'm going to find Alaric and Jeremy." Damon sighed as he adjusted his leather jacket. "Maybe then we'll get some semblance of the old Elena back." He muttered to himself.

* * *

The brothers were here. They'd known, they had the same thought as she and Bonnie.

When she saw Damon, she wondered if she should just turn around and leave before he could see her. He was so angry with her he would probably when he saw her anyway. At the sight of his beautiful face, she paused, the ache in her heart swelling until it was white hot fire. She clutched at her chest and stopped, and Bonnie turned to see her.

She was still readjusting to how powerful her emotions could be as a vampire. Damon had been helping her, comforting her and watching over her, so she had been managing. _That's not going to happen anymore._

"Elena? Are you ok?" Bonnie asked, a hand on her shoulder. Damon and Stefan turned at the sound of her voice. Damon's crystal blue eyes met hers. Pain flowed over him before he pushed it down.

Stefan wasn't happy to see her either but, like Damon, it only showed for a second before he tried to be civil.

Elena looked at the ground and glued her eyes there. She didn't want to see that again.

They resumed walking and the Salvatores met them halfway.

"He's gone." Stefan repeated.

"I can't do magic anymore, so I can't do a locator spell to find him." Uncomfortable silence settled between them as they all thought about how to proceed next. Elena couldn't help stealing a glance at Damon. She knew he felt her eyes on him, but he did not meet hers.

"Well, Damon." Stefan patted him on the back. "Maybe we use your newfound humanity to our advantage."

"What?"

"Ric came back as a vampire, right? So, if he hasn't fed yet, you can be our bait." Stefan looked a little too pleased with his plan.

"Great." Damon groaned.

"He's had three hours. I doubt he's in this area anymore." Bonnie sighed.

"I've got Caroline camped out at my house waiting for him if he shows up there." Elena said softly, almost afraid to speak. She didn't want either of their eyes on her.

"Well, I guess we'll do it the hard way. Let's spread out, then, and look around this part of the city. A human to a vampire, we'll try to bait him out if we can."

"Three hours is plenty of time to feed. I don't think this is going to work." Damon sighed, but he acquiesced. Bonnie saw Elena's expression as she watched them go.

"Wait!" Bonnie stopped them. "You two have been vampires for centuries; you know how they think. We don't. We need one of you in each group so we have a better idea of where to go and what to look for."

Damon's eyes locked on hers as he realized that they would be partners. Elena's heart stilled. She saw his reluctance pass through him and tried to swallow her hurt down so it wouldn't show on her face.

"No, that's ok. I've been a vampire long enough, we'll be fine." _He doesn't want to spend time with me. _

"No, Bonnie's right." Damon agreed, making his voice deliberately low and even. Bonnie cast her a covert smile as she switched places with him.

Elena was at once nervous that they had been thrown together and incredibly happy that she could spend more time with him, even if he didn't want the same thing. She didn't even need him to speak or look at her, just his presence alone soothed her.

It might be one of the last opportunities she had to spend time with him.

They walked in silence for a while, and she let Damon lead them, walking slightly behind him so she could follow his direction smoothly.

"There's a bar down here, I saw it on my way out of the city last time. I think there was an alley behind it. If he's looking to pick someone off without a struggle, that would be the place. Lots of drunk idiots stepping out to take a piss."

It was the first words he'd spoken to her. The sound of his voice shocked her out of silence, and the words shot out of her mouth before she could think about it.

"I know why you're angry. At least I think I do. But why are you so angry you don't even want to see me?" Elena asked. Damon turned his head sharply to meet her eyes.

He slowed his pace, but kept walking.

"Look, it's for the best, Elena." Damon growled eventually, turning away from her to survey the approaching bar.

"How? What do you mean? I know that I hurt you by forcing the cure on you, but now you just don't even want to be around me?" She asked, tears stinging her eyes. She pushed them down.

Damon looked back at her again at the crack in her voice. Sympathy flooded his expression before a hard edge crept in.

"You know why. Please, let's try to make this as painless as possible."

Elena looked hard at the concrete passing beneath her feet. She did know. He'd taken away her choice to live or die so many times, she knew exactly how he felt. Violated. Angry.

But she'd also felt safe, protected, and secretly grateful, even while burning with frustration.

Just as they approached the bar, a couple of older men smoking outside the bar eyeing them as they passed, Damon's phone started to vibrate. Damon pulled it from his coat pocket.

"Any luck, brother?"

"We found him." Came Stefan's triumphant voice. Elena's heart sped up.

"Where are they?" She asked, too excited to contain herself even though she knew that would be the next words out of Damon's mouth. Damon repeated her question.

Stefan gave them a meeting place that Damon recognized.

"Wait. Can we talk to him?" Damon asked.

There was silence on the phone. Then another voice crackled through the speakers.

"Damon?"

"Ric!" Elena had rarely heard that voice from him. A cheerful sigh followed his exclamation. "How's being raised from the dead?"

"Like my birthday and Christmas all rolled up into one."

"Everything you'd hoped and dreamed it would be?" Damon asked, a soft grin lighting up his face.

"Alright, dick, just get over here to I can roll my eyes at you in person." Damon chuckled, a real laugh.

Elena tugged the phone from his grasp. Damon's hands snapped back at her touch like she was made of fire, but he let her pull the phone from him. She tried to cover up her hurt by turning away from him to talk into the phone.

"Alaric! I'm so happy you're safe!"

"Elena. It's so good to hear your voice. Is Jeremy with you?"

"No…" She swallowed hard. "No, we haven't been able to get to him just yet."

"Oh." Ricks tone had changed. "Well come meet me and we'll talk battle strategies, just like the old days."

"Ok." Elena smiled. She bit down on her bottom lip, her happiness so intense she could have hugged the phone.

With some reluctance, she hung up. Damon immediately began walking, directing her to their meet-up spot.

* * *

Bonnie, Stefan, Alaric, Elena, Caroline, Jeremy and Damon all sat in the drawing room of the Salvatore's mansion, catching up on everything that had gone down in their absence. Lexi had yet to show up, and Stefan had a feeling that she had gone to track down her lover before she visited him. Elena couldn't keep her eyes off Jeremy, and for the first time in what felt like forever, she couldn't keep a smile off her face, either. She sat close to him, holding his hand just to make sure he was still there, that this was all real. Jeremy didn't mind it at first, but she could tell he was already growing weary of the childlike handholding.

Bonnie drove to the nearest airport while they were searching for Alaric and, upon discovering that her original magic was returning little by little, convinced the airline attendant to change the destination of one of the flights. She returned home the next day, triumphant, with Jeremy on her arm.

Elena realized when Bonnie called as they were on their way back that flying out there after them would be useless, so she exercised all the patience she had left and waited for them to return, spending most of the day talking with Alaric in his old apartment, curled up on his couch with many different cups of tea. It seems even Evil Alaric was a diligent and responsible citizen who paid his rent up to 6 months in advance.

As she sat there with Jeremy's hands clutched tightly in hers, her eyes wandered over to Damon. He had been dutifully avoiding her and was only in the same room as her because she had hogged Alaric all day and now he had a chance to talk to him. A piece of her conversation with Alaric floated to her mind as she watched him.

"_A sire bond?" Alaric's head tilted to the side like it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "And that makes you… love… Damon?" _

"_I don't think so, but everyone else seems convinced of it." Elena shook her head. _

"_So you actually _do_ love Damon?" Alaric shuddered a bit at the thought. _

"_You don't approve of us?" _

_Alaric struggled for words.  
"Well, I initially didn't like the idea of you and Damon because I was sure hanging around him was going to get you killed or vamped, but now… I guess we're both up vampire creek." _

"_So you don't have a problem with me and Damon?" Elena pressed. That was a vague answer if she'd ever heard one. _

_Alaric sighed and chuckled a bit before answering, running a hand over his face in exasperation. _

"_Look, I'm not great at this kind of advice, but I'll give it my best shot." He took a breath; "I haven't just been floating in free space this whole time. The other side was mostly darkness and quiet, but there were moments when people were thinking about me, or talking to me, that I could look in on and watch and listen. Damon was in a lot of those moments for me, as were you and Jeremy. Damon can be a monumental dick, but he's not the worst guy I can imagine you with. If you think that this 'sire bond' business isn't real… well I hesitate to tell you to ignore everyone and go with your gut, since it very well might be that your gut is affected by this magic, but if what you're feeling right now, in this moment, is real love, and you can identify it by the other feelings of love you've had, then how can it be wrong to be with someone you love? If you find out, some day, how to break the sire bond and you realize that your feelings were different… are you going to feel sick with yourself, or hate him, because you let yourselves be in love? Is he going to hate you because you had that time together and in the end it didn't work out? I doubt it. I know that you cared about Damon before all this, and that it was a difficult choice to make between him and Stefan, so you had feelings for him anyway. I can see that now you _don't love_ Stefan, and forcing anything isn't going to work. So just do what makes both of you happy, and for Christ's sake don't worry so much over it because I can tell you first hand that life can be short. As for Stefan…. someone was always going to get hurt in this little love triangle thing you have going on; someone had to get the short stick. I think Stefan will survive, and it might suck for a long time for him, but that's just how feelings go. We can't control or rationalize them, we just have to accept them. If you're worried about missing out on your soul mate in him, don't be. Soul mates are overrated. There are plenty of people in this world who want love and can give love, so if things don't work out with Damon and Stefan's moved on at that point, you haven't missed your shot at true love."_

Elena kissed Jeremy on the cheek, hugged him and said goodnight. Jeremy was sad to see her go, but also looked a little bit relieved that this adult handholding business was done for the night. She and Jeremy were both staying at the Salvatore boardinghouse for the night, but Alaric was talking about moving some things out of his spare bedroom for Jeremy tomorrow.

"I'll see you in the morning. I'm going to bed." Elena smiled.

"Ok." Jeremy smiled back, and Elena felt such a surge of affection for him that she hugged him again, tightly, until he called for a stop.

On her way out, she caught Damon's eye and held it. Alaric's words had given her strength. He may be angry with her now, but he had done the same thing to her many times and she had forgiven him. She would make him forgive her, too. She would make it up to him, somehow.

She retreated into her room and waited until the sounds from downstairs died down. Eventually, she heard footsteps in the hall. Her plan was to wait until he was alone in his room, then she would make him understand how much she loved him and beg with him to forgive her, or at least try to forgive her. She had the whole speech planned. Then a knock came at her door.

Confused, she eased the door open.

Damon eyed her almost cautiously as he leaned against the door frame. Elena waited in stunned silence for him to say something. He had been trying so hard to avoid her, and now he was knocking on her door.

"Can we talk?" He said. There was very little warmth in his voice, and a touch of sadness peaked through his careful composure.

"Sure." Elena said, but her insides were twisting. She had a feeling this conversation was going to be painful and not at all the way she had planned.

Damon wandered inside her room, stopping at the side of the bed and running his hand along the old mahogany bedpost. Silence spilled over between them.

"I can't believe those two are back."

"I know." Elena smiled. "It's like a dream."

Damon smiled back, his eyes lingering on her, a wistful quality ghosting through them.

"Now that you have them back…" Damon took a deep breath, and then the words rushed out, forced. "I think I need to leave."

Elena's throat constricted with emotion.

"Damon, I'm so sorry I forced the cure on you, I just couldn't let you die and I knew you would never let me give it to you-"

"I know why you did what you did." Pain was ebbing through his controlled expression now. "I don't blame you for it."

"Then why? Why are you leaving?" Elena couldn't help taking his hands in hers, desperation rising up in her.

He looked down at their joined hands, his face cracking into true misery then.

"I have to. You're sired to me, forever now. We can't do this anymore Elena, it's not right. I won't do this to you, and I can't do this to my brother."

Elena felt another round of tears threatening to overflow from her eyes. What he was saying… she could barely stand the idea of it.

"We don't know that I'm still sired to you."

"I do."

Her heartbeat thudded to a stop.

"How? How do you know?"

"You left. I asked you to leave, and I knew how badly you wanted to stay, I could see it, and you left anyway because I made you." Damon moaned.

Then everything clicked into place. The strange intensity in his eyes as he demanded she go, the listless way he had looked at her and avoided her, never showing a hint of anger or frustration. He was sad, miserable, thinking that she would always be shackled to him by fake emotions, not pissed that she had forced the cure on him.

Elena took a deep breath, her heart pounding in her chest. This was the moment. This was when he would believe her. This was when she could finally kiss away the pain that had ached in his eyes every time she declared her love for him. This was when he would touch her, unashamed and unabashed.

"Ask me to go one more time."

Damon looked up at her, reading the shining determination there and mistaking it for stubbornness. He sighed.

"Elena, please leave me alone. Now." His voice was tired and vacant of any sort of conviction.

"No. I want to stay with you, Damon. I love you." She said the words very distinctly, and she couldn't help the tenderness from her voice.

Damon looked from eye to eye, weighing the sincerity there. A profound change came over him as she stood there steadily, no sign of struggle in her at his words.

"Elena, I want you to leave this room right now. This second."

"No." She was starting to smile now. A smile was cracking Damon's face as well. His eyes darted over her whole body as he waited another beat.

Then he pulled her to him with all the passion she had watched him resist these last couple of months. He kissed her mouth ferociously, his hands traveling across her body and twining in her hair.

"Get out of here now…" He panted as he came up for air.

"No." She breathed heavily, her mouth crashing back into his.

He pushed her up against the wall and dragged her legs around his waist, as he had done so long ago next to the fireplace after the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. He held their bodies together so tightly she felt like they might press into one, kissing his way down her neck.

"Leave." He mumbled against her skin.

"No."

He cupped her face in his hand and kissed her mouth again. His lips caressed her with just the right amount of pressure and she was dizzy with desire for him. He touched her gently, unhurriedly, like he was praying to her body. His tongue savored her mouth, and she was drowning in the powerful, overwhelming wave of him all over her.

He pulled back, looking between her shining eyes, happiness pouring out of him. He stroked her cheek tenderly and kissed her once more, a soft, brief incredibly sweet kiss before declaring.

"Then I guess I'll just have to stay."

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading!** **Thank you for asking for more of what was originally just a oneshot!**

**Did you guys notice that in the promo pic for 4x23 Elena is opening Damon's shirt and looking at his shoulder in concern? LIKE EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE LAST CHAPTER EXACTLY THE SAME EXACTLY? I'm going to laugh so hard if he actually gets a werewolf bite on his shoulder and she uses the cure to save him. I will laugh. And then I will send Julie Plec a message with a link to this fanfic, saying "look at the date I published this I called you out I predicted your every move I am clearly your biggest fan."….Sorry my sentence structure really suffers when I'm too excited. I will definitely not be upset if the season finale goes the way of this fanfic, but again, it's TVD… so probably a lot more painful. I think there's a real chance we might get a Delena ending, though, at least for this season!**

**Again, thank you for all your amazing reviews. I read and get so excited over every one of them so please don't forget to review one last time ****!**


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